So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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