Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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