I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
