I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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