So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
