you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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