party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
