I think I died a long time ago.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
