The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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