If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
