Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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