I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
