now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
