I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
