those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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