it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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