Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
