Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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