Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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