Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
