I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
