I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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