There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
