The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
