Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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