Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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