If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
