the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
