I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
