So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
