at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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