Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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