pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
