I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
