Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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