Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
