Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
