No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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