If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
