Screwed.edu
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
