stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
