is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
