my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
