Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
