I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
