The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Is it because I queefed?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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