So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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