I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
