she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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