my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
