If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
