Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
