Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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