I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
