Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
