this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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