On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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