I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
