I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
