My first STD was from a foam party
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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