Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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