Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
