i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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