You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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