She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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