Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize