you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
