I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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