he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
A bitchslap is in order.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
