i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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