YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
