When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
