Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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