He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
